The Infinite Loop of Irony
A few observations
It’s tricky joining the workforce for the very first time. Getting hired is difficult for teenagers who don’t have work experience. But gaining experience is impossible if nobody hires them.
The world is filled with similar situations. Some good. Some bad. Some irreverent. As a writer, everything I experience in a given day is ammunition for a future book or article. I’m always mentally collecting data, observing my environment, and looking at situations from an upside-down perspective. I suppose this makes me a daydreamer. The world is full of irony (and humor) if only you’re paying attention.
I once purchased a brand-new pair of scissors that came sealed in plastic so hard I’m convinced it was bulletproof. There were no perforations or tabs to open the package. A person would have needed a pair of scissors… which I didn’t have… which is why I bought the damn thing in the first place. Sure, I could have used a steak knife. But severing an artery was not on my to-do list that day, nor did I have time for a visit to the E.R. There’s actually a term for the anger we feel while trying to open these packages. It’s called wrap rage. I can’t help but think it would make an excellent name for a heavy metal rock band. Wrap Rage could open for the Siamese Screamers until they catch their big break and one day become more famous than Atomic Tantrum.
I ordered a Ring doorbell camera a few days ago. It was shipped to me a day later than expected. During that 24-hour window, I wondered if someone had stolen the package off my porch… but there was no way to check if my Ring doorbell camera had been stolen… because I didn’t yet have a Ring doorbell camera installed. It would have been the greatest of all ironies, but thankfully, it didn’t come to fruition.
Speaking of porch pirates, I swiped an item off someone’s front steps yesterday. To be specific, it was my sister. I needed to borrow something from her. She was busy and couldn’t wait for me to arrive, so she left the item in her Amazon lock box for me to “steal.” Even more ironic was that the Amazon delivery worker was leaving something in the box as I pulled into the driveway. He waved to me, and I waved back. I wonder what he was thinking as he watched me walk up, take something from the box, and drive away. By now, I’m sure my vehicle has been blacklisted from that neighborhood. I bet the neighbors caught me on camera and misread the situation. I hope the reports at least gave me a cool name… like the Psychic Snatcher or the Robbin’ Hoodlum of Omaha.
In other news, smartphone cases now have little compartments to store a person’s driver’s license and credit cards. God forbid they lose their phone, or it’s stolen. They’d have to put their credit cards on hold immediately… but they couldn’t call the bank because they wouldn’t have a phone. It’s a scary notion. You’ll never catch me with one of those phone cases. Besides the obvious conundrum I just pointed out, there’s the germ factor. With cash registers offering the “tap to pay” option, I’ve seen shoppers just place their entire phone on the scanners. As a germaphobe, I know it’s a fact that most cell phones are dirtier than a public toilet seat because they’re constantly getting handled and never get disinfected. I recently watched a woman place her phone on the communal cesspool known as the “tap to pay” scanner… and then wedged the phone between her cheek and shoulder to continue her phone conversation. I cringed but also envied her. Ignorance is bliss, and I live with the anxiety of being a germaphobe.
When it was my turn, I paid for my items and entered my debit card PIN into the payment machine. Next, I instinctively reached for my travel-sized hand sanitizer. Unfortunately, I dropped it onto the floor. It landed in a mysterious brown pool of unknown sticky fluid. This presented me with yet another irony. Sanitizing my hands would require me to first get them even dirtier. A man in line behind me saw my dilemma. He said, “If I were you, I would just leave it.” So, I did.
In the end, things tend to work out for the best. I can’t remember how, but I finally managed to pry those scissors from the package. My Ring doorbell camera will be installed as of today. I’ve yet to be arrested for borrowing something off my sister’s porch. And I’m the proud owner of a brand new travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer.
I know in my heart that our spirit guides find these moments just as amusing as we do. They view our lives like a reality show they can’t look away from. I suppose life is entertaining. It can also be funny, exciting, and quite ironic. Until next time, I hope you’re managing to navigate life’s Infinite Loop of Irony with dignity and grace.
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Live long and prosper,
Andy