As you probably guessed from the title… things are about to get a little weird. But before I share a teaser chapter from one of my upcoming books, I want to remind everyone about the EPIC giveaway that’s going on. All paid subscribers to this newsletter are automatically in the running for a $444 Soul Discovery session (a written form of psychic reading). The randomly selected winner will be announced via email on Monday, March 25th. Even if you don’t win, you might stick around here for the fascinating content (plus, it’s only $5 a month to be a paid subscriber.)
Secondly, I’ll be at the Omaha Holistic Expo this Saturday and Sunday. I’ll be signing books and chatting with folks, so stop by if you’re in the area.
Now, here’s the teaser chapter. If you’re a pet owner, you might find it highly relatable… even if you’d never admit so.
Purrrverts
I’d like to address a sensitive subject. It’s not something I’ve heard people talk about. In fact, it’s not even something I’ve read about in other books. I’m talking about the fact that family pets are perverts. Not all of them, mind you. But the vast majority are. Why? Because they spend countless hours of their lives watching their owners have sexual intercourse.
I suppose nobody talks about this for obvious reasons. It’s embarrassing. It’s taboo. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and degrading – both for the animals and humans. Why does this phenomenon occur in the first place? I can assure you it’s not planned or rehearsed.
Sometimes, things unexpectedly heat up in the bedroom. A playful comment leads to flirting, which leads to kissing, which leads to other things. Before you know it, erotic pheromones fill the air, and clothes come off. All the while, neither person stops to realize that the family’s dogs or cats are curled up at the foot of the bed.
If the animal is spotted at this critical juncture, a pet owner has to make a snap decision. Option one is to pause the intimacy and scoot the pet out of the bedroom. Option two is to ignore the pets and hope they aren’t paying attention. Option two might be viable if you’re dealing with cats because felines are more aloof than dogs. They might not care if the bed begins to shake. Plus, carrying a fully-clawed cat out of the bedroom while naked comes with obvious risks.
As for dogs, most wouldn’t mind being removed from the bedroom pre-coitus. In my personal and professional opinion, this is advisable. Otherwise, they will pay attention to what’s happening. Believe me. Sure, the English bulldog will act as though he doesn’t see. And the golden retriever will play it cool like she’s trying to nap. But those occasional side glances from their puppy dog eyes indicate a certain level of interest. Hell, if they had opposable thumbs, a labradoodle would pop a bucket of popcorn and view the spectacle as a form of entertainment. I’m convinced this is true.
Our pets can understand human language, but it’s a good thing they cannot speak it. Can you imagine the stories they could tell? The scandalous acts they’ve witnessed? The unspeakable noises they’ve heard with their ultra-sensitive ears? If they could master bribery and blackmail, some pet owners might be in trouble. I imagine a woman with a high libido going into debt because her Saint Bernard demanded unlimited milk bones in exchange for keeping her secrets.
All joking aside, most pets border on angelic. Sure, they slobber, drink toilet water, and cough up hairballs. Still, they are family. They act as our loyal companions during the best of times and the worst of times. They’re our secret keepers, our counselors, our snuggle partners. Animals are also capable of unconditional love, which few humans can master.
So, I suppose we can forgive them for the occasional glance while we’re naked and vulnerable. I’m sure they’re used to it by now. And certainly, they aren’t judging us. As humans, we like to think we’re so advanced and evolved. Yet, right now, a couple is making love inside their bedroom somewhere in the world. And somewhere nearby is a pug, Dalmatian, or tabby cat who is thinking, “Oh my gosh, these people are such animals.”
Frequently asked question: Can deceased loved ones see us when we’re having an intimate moment?
First of all, I must admit this is not a frequently asked question. In my fifteen-year career as a psychic, I’ve only been asked this a handful of times. Yet, I know it’s something many people want to know, even if they’re too shy to ask.
The simple answer is yes; those in the spirit world could theoretically see intimate moments. The better question would be… why would they want to? Think about it. Anyone in the afterlife would know first-hand what being human is like. They know that humans require privacy during certain moments.
When people cross into the afterlife, they are granted a newfound perspective of life as we know it. Therefore, they become a polished-up version of themselves. Spirits have empathy, tact, and healthy boundaries. So, a person would not become a peeping Tom from the spirit world, even if he had a healthy sex drive while alive. It would not be on his radar or even register as a temptation. As for your family pet… I can make no promises.
Tell your pets hello from their Crazy Uncle Andy. Until next time, have a marvelous week.
-Andy