Angels Anonymous

A chapter in progress...

Happy Friday! I hope this newsletter finds you well and in good spirits. Quick announcement: I have a new event scheduled. On May 3rd, I’m doing a Past Life Gallery Reading live in Omaha. If you’re in the area, tell your friends and family.

Get your tickets before they sell out! If you live elsewhere, rest assured I’ll offer a few events over Zoom throughout the year.

For this article, I wanted to try something I’ve never done before. You’re about to read a chapter from a future book I’m working on. It’s far from complete, and the book doesn’t even have a title yet. People ask what my process is like when I write. For self-help and informative books, I generally have an outline. But when humor is involved, I literally make it up as I go. Please leave a comment and tell me where you picture this chapter going. No ideas or suggestions are too wacky. I’m having a lot of fun with this one. Please forgive any typos, as it’s obviously a work in progress. Happy reading!

Angels Anonymous

“Is there anyone around me?” It’s probably the most common question people have asked me throughout the years. Of course, they’re referring to deceased family members or spirit guides. The answer is always yes. Each of us has a gaggle of spiritual helpers offering support from a distance.

Hearing this question over and over again feels a little redundant. So one time, just to mix things up, I told a person, “No, there is nobody around you in spirit. Your guardian angels formed a union and went on strike. You’ve exhausted them, and they won’t come back until some demands are met.”

After an awkward silence, she realized I was joking and let out a big laugh. I only gave that answer because I knew this lady was fluent in sarcasm. A good psychic must know his audience. Surely, someone who lacked a sense of humor wouldn't have appreciated this response.

The truth is, I don’t think spirit guides (guardian angels) would ever give up on us. That said, I think some people push their spirit guides to the limit. Can you imagine how much patience it would require to be a spirit guide? You’d be responsible for monitoring the well-being of a person you love dearly. Yet, because humans have free will, there’s only so much you can do to help. You might shout advice to your human from afar. At best, it would register as a faint whisper they’d dismiss as a silly thought that popped into their head. At worst, they wouldn’t hear you at all.

You could wave your hands wildly to get your human’s attention. Chances are, they wouldn’t see you (because spirits are invisible.) The next attempt might be contacting them through dreams, hoping to relay helpful insights. Then, it’s a matter of hoping your person remembers the dream. And even if they do, will they interpret it correctly?

As a last resort, you could cause a ladybug to land on your person’s shoulder. The message behind the bug is, “Leave your job, or else your boss will never stop ‘bugging’ you.” But alas, your human will view it as a lucky omen… a sign from the Universe that they should stay at their miserable job. Ooof.

Ultimately, you’d be left feeling like a crazed sports fan watching your favorite team play on TV. You’d shout, scream, cheer, and be on the edge of your seat… but ultimately, there’s not much you can do but watch and hope for the best.

I can only imagine the toll this takes on spirit guides. I imagine some of them have formed a support group. Angels Anonymous. It’s a place free of judgment where a spirit guide can vent, cry, and receive advice from other angels who endure the same struggles. The meeting times and locations are posted throughout the spirit world on bulletin boards and inside breakrooms. The coffee is free, and there is a potluck dinner twice a year.

Somewhere in the spirit world right now, there is a meeting taking place in an empty gymnasium. Marty, the elder angel, has circled the folding chairs and brewed the coffee while waiting for attendees to arrive. Marty is a founding member of Angels Anonymous. He formed the group out of sheer necessity. You see, once upon a time, he signed up for a job that was more than he bargained for.

The year was 1499. Marty was a spirit guide to a Renaissance inventor—not Leonardo Da Vinci, but another guy named Ugo. Ugo had the idea of constructing wings made of wicker and twine. He figured if he could attach wings to his arms and jump from a tall structure, he could be the first man to fly… you know, like birds do.

Marty tried everything to warn Ugo this was a terrible idea. Yet, when people are laser-focused and determined, they tend to miss messages from spirits. Marty tried everything. He even allowed Ugo to contract dysentery even though he could have done something to prevent it. When even that failed to slow Ugo down, all Marty could do was watch and wait.

Ugo climbed to the top of the city’s tallest structure. Well, nearly to the top, anyway. Three-fourths of the way up, he tripped on the twine of his wings and plummeted to his death on a pile of pig shit. Nearby, Marty couldn’t bear to look, so he buried his face in his own hands.

And so it began. Marty knew what he had to do. He formed Angels Anonymous – a haven for angels suffering from anxiety and PTSD caused by incompetent humans they were unable to help.

The meeting’s first angel finally arrives. Her name is Brenda. She’s a sack of tears. Marty asks what happened. She says the human she’s responsible for just got married, and Brenda thinks it’s a terrible idea.

Marty says, “Brenda, marriage presents learning opportunities. Even if it doesn’t work out, your human will learn and grow from the experience.”

“I know,” says Brenda. “But they’re first cousins.”

Marty says nothing. He raises his eyebrows in surprise and takes a sip of his black coffee.

In walks another angel named Gus. He has a five-o’clock shadow and bags under his eyes as though he hasn’t slept in days.

“There he is,” says Marty cheerfully. “How’s it hanging, buddy? We missed you last week.”

“Shut up, Marty,” says Gus, who storms over to the beverage table and shoves half a donut in his mouth.

“Gee, what’s gotten into him?” Brenda asks.

“I’m a little on edge, okay,” says Marty as donut crumbs fall to the floor. “My person just took out a huge loan to start his own business.”

“What’s the business?” asks Brenda.

“It’s a combination burger joint, cardiologist clinic, and haunted house.”

Marty interjects, “You never know, Gus, if they have a sound business model,”

“This is hogwash,” Gus interrupts. “I didn’t sign up for this nonsense, Marty. Stop trying to be so damn positive all the time. There’s something wrong with my guy. I’m telling you! I think he pushed a cue tip too far into his ear canal or something. He’s not right in the head. Last week, he wore his shirt inside out all day long.”

“They’ve all done that before, Gus. You’re just overreacting,” says Marty.

“Oh yeah? Well, that same day, he wore his shoes on the opposite feet and didn’t even notice.”

“At least your person didn’t marry into their own gene pool,” interjects Brenda.

“Okay, alright, everybody calm down,” says Marty as he loosens the tie around his neck. Gus, buddy, take a deep breath and have a seat.”

“I’m gonna head outside and smoke,” says Gus, reaching into his back pocket.

“You told us you quit,” says Marty, now quite concerned.

“Yeah, but that was before Burgers, Boos, and Bypasses.”

Brenda cringes her face and asks, “That’s what your person is calling the business?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry,” says Gus sarcastically. “The burgers are shaped like hearts. And seniors get a special wristband so the clown with the chainsaw knows not to scare them too badly in the haunted house.”

“Jesus Christ,” whispers Marty under his breath.

“Present!” In walks Jesus through the gymnasium’s entryway with his right hand in the air. “Marty, Brenda, G-Money. My peeps, how are you?”

Gus scratches his itchy face and exhales loudly.

“G-man, why the long face? Is it because of Burgers, Boos, and Bypasses?”

“I’m going outside to smoke. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

As Gus makes his way to the exit, Jesus says, “Hey, do you think you could give me a signed note that I was here, Marty? My father wants proof that I attend at least one weekly meeting.”

Before Marty can answer, another person enters the meeting, loudly slurping on what’s left of a grande caramel macchiato. Once the others spot the angel, they all groan in unison.

Brenda rolls her eyes and huffs, “Oh good… Javier is here.”

“Girl, you best watch your tone because I feel fly and fabulous today.”

…What happens next? I have no idea, but Javier is going to add some pizazz to the meeting. I imagine they’ll eventually end with a closing prayer of sorts, and I’ll put a feel-good palate cleanser at the end of the chapter to balance out some of the silliness. As I said, there is not yet a title for this book. It will be filled with stand-alone chapters that fuse humor with spiritual and psychic topics. This allows me some wiggle room for creative writing. Yet, it will still be filled with helpful insights for those who want to learn more about the spirit world. Thanks for reading. If you’re not yet a paid subscriber, please consider signing up. It only costs $5 a month (less than Javier’s caramel macchiato.) Have a great Easter weekend, everyone.

Cheers,

Andy